Strangers

I can not imagine myself being completely aloft from someone whom I have shared so much and loved so much in the past. We are like strangers; two people familiar with our touch, kiss,embrace yet alien to each other's presence at the moment. By gad! I thought it will be easy forgetting about the past and remembering only the good times. Well, I was wrong. Letting go of someone is easy in mind but not in heart.Her scent still lingers in between the breath that I take. In every move that I make, reminds me of her being there all the time.Her voice that could comfort me in the middle of my misery. The caress that is so tight,it penetrates even the soul beneath my flesh. In my existence, she is part of my everyday. Even now that she is far and a past.I can still feel her presence. The pain I felt from her was so terrible that not even my nightmare could equal it. Promises went to oblivion. The love that destroyed me is fueled by the flame that came from my burning heart. A flame so hot that it makes me feel like hell is so close. Why did she do it to me?I know from the beginning that her mind can really fly beyond the boundaries of reality.It has never occurred to me that the flight will be so far;much further than what a mind can conceive. Help is inevitable. Who needs it?Me or her? Who did not follow what we had agreed. Who has so many baggage and fantasies?I think she should see a doctor. Strange! Life is beyond comprehension,destiny is even confusing. How will I know what destiny has scribbled for me?Who will she be?What does it take to know her or even just the initials. For sure, whatever will happen I would not want that someone-who is so familiar yet strange to cross my path again. She makes me feel sorry for loving her so well. Life is really full of strange faces. I remember her name and thought I know her so well but now- I would not want to remember her. I do not know who she is now.It is not worth remembering. In a single flash I learned that it was a mistake -a great one indeed. People make wrong choices. We commit mistakes. If in everything we do, there is a nugget of wisdom that enable us to contemplate on and sink our teeth until we chew some edible slices of life, only then that we emancipate ourselves from the total humiliation of mistake. As a result it becomes the road towards loneliness.We use loneliness as an escape and defense from humiliation and pain. Oh yeah, loneliness. A word in a modern world that is so apparent despite the modern tools that can link us with each other.The absence of two bodies becoming one, not in flesh but in thoughts and in heart. To be able to converse and share an idea and make a covenant of thoughts. Even debate or argue on mundane things.I remember one scientist who dreamed of linking the stars in the same way we link our road and streets in our maps. I wish I could traverse in a single stretch of a straight line ,the road to happiness.Ironically I can not. Not even the purest of the heart that speaks of eternal love would suffice. It takes more...much more than the heart. Even prayers and luck become an important ingredient in looking for that special happiness.You put faith in the new tomorrow and hope that what you wish for in prayers and what you wish to be lucky about will be a reality as soon as possible.Well all of us can dream anytime. The stranger in my life is someone I love. Someone I know but not familiar anymore. Someone I touched but can not hold anymore. She is now a stranger.Just like the faces I see everyday in the streets.Now we are strangers.No more names to put on the face neither a face to put a name on. (I wrote this in the 1994. Using a 386 laptop and using WORDSTAR.I do not know why, I just continually typed. That year I also met this special girl who will hurt me in the future- which is now our present time.Whom I am dedicating this blog to)

It Comes In Boxes

Boxes are full of surprises. One of the boxes in my life is knowing that the girl who was my best friend for 14 years and my girlfriend for a short while, gave me the biggest box of my life. It was even wrapped in a beautiful white scrub suit, making it a smart looking box. The box is big and heavy. The situation made me excited and wants to open the box.

In the tradition of pandora box, once you open the box. She made the biggest biggest surprise I had in my entire life and that is not knowing her well after all those years of friendships. That surprise is bigger than the box itself and can not be returned to the box because it would not fit anymore. It was so big and will eventually last for my entire lifetime just to imagine the size.


Only a week after she came to the country where I am an expatriate. I called her like the usual time and someone answered the phone. After I heard a voice of a male answered the phone. I was surprised. So, I asked for my girlfriend. The male voice answered and started to speak on the top of his voice telling me that my girlfriend is his girlfriend too. It was like hell opened up and lead Satan to the ground and used my girlfriend's cellphone. The whole situation sounded like a fire breathing dragon shouting and looking for a fight over a mate. It was only very natural for an animal looking for a mate to act in such manner. For a human being, it is not natural and uncivilized. Guess, the aboriginal instinct of this guy got in to him and even told me that I looked like a comedian from my home country and told me I am so ugly. He was really looking for a fight.I did not attend to it because I am a reasonable person and uses more of my breeding than my animal instinct.I just waited for my girlfriend to call me instead. To Be Continued...

I do not want the traditional shots for fireworks where you only see the pyrotechnics on the air. I want to add people or any object to give it a different depth. I made around 200 shots  that night.

in the center you will find the Petronas Tower..click on the picture

Click on the picture if you want to view it larger

E.T. Phone Home

If there was already an iphone during the time the movie -E.T. was made. Probably instead of using a speak and spell toy, an umbrella and strings to communicate with the mothership;E.T. would have use the iphone.

Yes, the modern world kept us in touch any time of the day. Whether thru reading the modern personal telegram called sms, thru internet or the modern day cordless telephone with expanded range called cellphone.

If E.T. in the movie was so eager to contact the mothership, my girlfriend who has some explaining to do to me; did not even initiate to talk to me.Ok. Better to put it in another scenario, like I am E.T., since someone who adored her (yes-later for more details ok!) once called me ugly and toothless. So, making me an alien would not hurt, it will be better in a way to best describe me. Then my girlfriend will be the mothership. Just simply because of her size. The scenario will be that I am E.T. calling the mothership endlessly without any confirmation that they are getting my messages. Until I lost hope and eventually kisses death at my face. I got sick and turned pale and almost die in the middle of the forest. While writing this scenario. I slowed down a little. I suddenly realize, that is exactly how I feel. I feel hopeless and thought of killing myself. Jumping from the building or from one of the building facades.Guess I am like E.T. and she is the mothership. Not talking to me or giving me a hint of her plans.

What was nice about the movie E.T. was the part of being rescued. The mothership came to E.T.'s rescue at the right moment. I am not really sure at this moment, if it is me who will be rescued or her. At the moment the only thing I am aware is that I am that dying part of the movie E.T., who will eventually die temporarily. Dying temporarily and to be resurrected later. Yes, right now I am almost dead with emotions and even wishing to completely die to emancipate myself from paying a loan that I did not use and most of all the shame that she brought to me before the eyes of my family and friends. I am writing this blog to tell my horrible experience. Keeping it within is like a big volcano that will have a tragic eruption. I am doing this to heal myself and hopefully be connected to other people who like me- is also suffering from depression.

At the moment, I only take sleeping pills to give the rest that I need. Without I can not sleep and a nightmare will haunt me. I will talk about my best friend and who eventually became my girlfriend; who cheated on me and gave me a miserable life. It was not the break up that troubled me. It was how it ended. I am ok to be separated from her. It was not my first relationship to end. The whole idea that we have been friends for so long and we have prepared everything like we are your couple on the way to the aisle of a church and with kids to think about and growing old together.

Somehow, I should have listened to our old friends about her personality and also made use of my better judgment of her personality. It is really difficult to think of what had happened. It was messy.She put me in to a situation that is synomous to her current state. Lonely and desperate but what makes us different is that she is mentally unstable. Doc Jane M. is really not what people think of her. She is more unstable than a fever virus. Almost like a Malaysian weather that in one minute it is so sunny and a few hours later there will be a heavy downpour. She has that unpredictable mental state I really wonder why anyone ever go to her for medical consultation.

I want to make clear this is not a blog to have revenge. This is my way to resolve that inner war I am having inside. To be able to continue as normal as possible. To let go of the feeling of ending my life and being so despotent.

I need to revive my life to a new hope.

Dear Oprah

I was inspired by an episode in Oprah that made me write this blog. The episode was about a young lady who in her teens wrote a letter to Oprah but did not get the chance to send it. Instead this young girl put music in her letter and sang it in a subway.

It was not the music that inspired me but her story of persistence and without giving up on hope. Although the music was good and even the lyrics, but it was the story of the singer that made the music even richer than it sounds.

I saw the episode on the night that will be the last day I will ever feel normal.The next day I received an email from my cousin. My cousin is asking me to call her up and it was very important. I thought, it was some emergency at home. My heart then was beating so fast and immediately called my mother. Then she told me that our loan, which my girlfriend and I took a few months ago remains to be unpaid; after a few months when the loan was taken. I was surprised because I was sending my share and a few days before that I just sent her the whole payment for that month. My mommy calmed me down told me that my girlfriend may have an important reason for not paying on time. What made it even worse; my good girlfriend never told me about the delay and also she was leaving for the United States that time.

It was on a thursday. I tried to call her thru her handphone as always when she does not need anything; calling her cellphone is like dialling Santa Claus' phone. It was like an imaginary phone line.When she needed something from you, it was like hot and ready like a Batcave's private line.Ready to roll and be answered in single ring. Even the time when my mother needed an advise on medicine; my girlfriend being a doctor was suppose to be ready to answer phone calls and specially from an almost in-law. As expected- it was unanswered, come to think of it. What if there was an emergency and needed her approval for one of her patients. Guess, the patient would have died waiting for her medical instructions.

She cheated me once and she did it again. This time it reconfirms my gut feeling about her insincerity. Bad part of it was that she included my family in the mess. Now, the bank will sue me and my family who are co-signatories but she is left without any accountabilities.

Update March 21,2009

I lost my touch on my writing skills as my emotions took the better part of me as a writer. Now, I am re-editing my blog and put some order. As I am beginning to see the benefits of blogging to win against depression. I am beginning to see order also where I should have them. I am blogging again.

Eternity Becomes Our Lifetime

Coming to a dawn of changes. To changes that leads to a new picture of life. A new landscape of tomorrow. Then my  hour becomes a preparation of a new lifetime. 

Everything is a moment of unexpected change but never the less it is a dream that is in my mind for a long time. Now,it was coming true right in front of me and in front of the world.  I now feel that I belong to someone  and someone belongs to me. A future special  angel will  make us as one and bind us together forever, till eternity and till many generations from now on will be one.

I found the greatest treasure that I hope for a long time and almost  feared of not finding too.Now it is here.I just have to grab it  lightly and tightly keep it till eternity.I will never let go and always filling my heart and mind in every second of the day with my new reality. This is my treasure and anyone can admire. But I will always guard it  with my life and under the protective blanket of my love.For no one can ever take them away from me. My soul will never forget to continue loving her and my future child. Deep inside nothing else fills my moment except what I can give and share with them and do for them.

I am excited to see the new life that will make the greatest change in my tomorrow and give me a total purpose of my existence. Welcoming the change with  gladness to share and have it with the person who has been with me for 14 years of friendship and now a lifetime of romance and friendship.

What Makes Travel Memorable?

Travel is one of the best time to have bonding with friends or family. Somehow for some cases it could be a big hit or a big bust. I remember doing mountain climbing with our local mountain climbing group. 

The mountain we went to was one of the most frequently visited mountain we went to. Like this is our R and R destination. Yet there are times when it was really a dull moment. But one of our trips in this mountain became a most memorable one. 

The mountain is not really one of those virgin forest neither it has something unique to offer. It was half denuded mountain. It was terribly hot in the morning because it was right next to an open ocean. At night it was a cold and  windy mountain.

Then in one of our trips when  old timers and new members of the mountaineering  club conglomerate to this mountain. It was really fun. We acted like real free birds flying over the horizon with gusto. We cooked the best food that we ever had on a mountain. We never got drunk but we had the best laugh. 

On our way down, we had the most wonderful feeling we ever had on the mountain. One of my fellow moutain climber even made a comment. That this mountain is really nice. I looked back. It is half denuded due to illegal logging. It was hot and nothing spectacular to offer. But it was the spirit of camaderie that made this mountain special. As I looked back I saw my friends coming down, both old and new friends, and the night we all had. I saw the mountain in a different light.The mountain has more colors. The hot weather became warm as a human body surrounding me with a lot of friendship. The mountain became the mountain of friendship and not just another mountain to climb but a mountain full of memories. 

Since that time, everytime I travel. I see to it I travel with the person or people I really like and love. I can travel with a complete stranger but the chemistry has to be there. We have to hit the spark in each one of us. This makes those bad times or those unplanned circumstances an experience worth laughing about in the future. Every minute is worth remembering.It is not always the destination that makes a trip special,its always the people who travel with you. It has to be someone whom you really like.The destination and the places are just instrumental that adds climax to a trip. Remember that in the movie, music enhances the scene and the backdrop makes the scene more intense yet it is the emotions of the characters that makes you feel the whole story.  In travelling it is the same, its the human soul that makes a trip really special.

So go travel only with people you only like, people who share the same interest with you or someone who has that good chemistry with you. Otherwise, its like you already have a trip close to a doomed holiday.Best is to travel with someone you truly love.That is the most romantic and the best travel plan ever to have.

You people know what I mean.

Para sa iyo

Minsan tayo ay nangarap na lang ng kung ano ano.Minsan tumatanaw ng malayo dahil sa pangarap. Minsan nating pinangarap ay inakalang nakamtan na. Minsan maraming pinagdaanan nating pagsubok. Minsan ang puso natin ay nalugmok na sa lungkot at hapdi. Minsan nating naramdaman pero nauulit pa rin. Minsan iniisip natin na may pagkakataon pa ba.Minsan ating nakalimutan na ang hapdi pero bumabalik pa rin paulit ulit nanaman. Minsan ang pangarap noon minsan inakalang nakamit eto naman minsanang pinapangarap pa rin.Minsan nagiisip kung kailan na talaga ang minsan ay maging parati na lang.

Sa katitingin sa malayo at sa paghananap.Di natin natatanaw ang malapit. Ano pa ang makikita sa malapit eh madalas parati na lang nakikita. Pero yon nga parati na lang nakikita.Parati ang pangarap ko di minsanan lang.Kaya ang pagtanaw ko sa malayo ay naging silip sa malapit. Sa isang malapit na sa aking puso noon pa man.Isang minsan ko na ring pinangarap pero natakot. Eto sya parati na lang sa puso ko,pero minsan ko lang isipin na maging parati sa puso ko dahil nahihiya. Nagdadalawang isip dahil sya ang taong ayokong maging minsan lang sa buhay ko pero gusto ko sya na maging parati na lang sa buhay.Kaya hinayaan kong magbigay limot na pangarapin sya at hagkan na sobra.

Pero ang parati ay palaging nandyan,parati nasa puso. Bakit ko pa gagawing minsan. Eto sya doctora ng puso ko. Eto sya di na minsan sa buhay ko. Eto sya parati na sa puso ko bilang pag ibig.Eto sya habang buhay na sa aking puso.Eto ka at eto ako.. parati na lang magmamahalan.

She is the Girl.

Everyday, there are more people that seem similar in many ways. Features and color does nothing to make a noticeable difference. It was a wholesale of beings with similar face and one blind color. Nothing distinguishes anyone from each other.

Until some star chart drove one occasion that made me meet a very special girl. She was another pretty face but when she began to espouse her mind. She has a heart in her brain and a brain with a heart. She has the wit and the intelligence that combines a powerful personality of new age renaissance person. Intelligence she obviously picked up from the streets and has the faculty of scholarly developed consciousness.

It was a uniqueness, which captured everything that I held back for many years. I was trying to resolve the rush in my brain. Calculating what she has. Every word she uttered held my attention deeper. That sweet smile does not keep me fixed on her. Her mind is like a magnet. She is like a new creature in this ocean of perfectly cloned realm of creatures.

It was a long time since; I found a new star that shines. When I saw her brightness in distance. There was a blush inside that reminds me the sum of my despondency. The potential of getting another heart ache is evident. I was moving in a direction that will put me once again in a quagmire. I am drowning in my own emotion that will make things complicated. Nurturing a feeling will make it more complicated.

I might lose that eye for a bright star. I will lose that friendship. I will look funny. I began to miss her. She is really different and wonderful enough to be in my mind all the time. The distance is imperative. I am falling for her.

One day, I was in a bus traversing the distance from my office to a well appointed home. I had this epiphany that is growing in my mind. I was to propose to her. Knock on her window. Tell her every tiny emotion that I had inside. Even appear stupid by singing with action. I knew she will like those things (jologs). Then approach her and kneel down. To tell her that it is a one shot deal. It will be a hit and miss thing. If I hit it – it becomes big. I miss my lucky star- I lose it. I will turn my back and never to look back again. If you asked me to stopped and look back at you. It means you are giving me a chance. You will become my girlfriend.

After a while, I heard the bus stopped. I had to wake up in my sleepless dream. It works only in the movies. There are no cameras or lights. It was worse that there is no background music to make that scene romantic or emotional.

Dreams are cheap. I continued to dream again with my eyes wide open. This time she is in a white dress. I just put a smile on my face that even in my dreams I can make happy things happen. Anyway, I think of her and it makes me happy.

She is like happiness in flesh and blood. Dream is only an imagined reality. There in my dream I am happy because that is the only time I get to be with her.

Placebo Effect

A lady from my home country is here for a contract project. She is part of a project as a programmer and she goes home almost every two weeks. The set-up is quite unique and difficult.It is tedious. Then she told us that she has a sick child. As a single parent, the kid will need all the attention she can give during the medical treatment. The topic was centered on her child, whom she can not leave for a long time. Given the offer she has been getting from different companies here. She always go back home every two weeks. She has to let go of the other opportunities that come her way.

Her only child is sick with leukemia. As explained by the doctors to her. It is hereditary to have cancer. Almost every other week they would rush the child to the hospital. But at this time, she is grateful for her child has remained stable.

Just a few months ago, I remember my brother who died of cancer. At the age of 15, he was taken from us. Though it has been years, I still remember how he suffered from the pain of the illness. The pain was so much that morphine was used at the last stage. Sometimes the pain was terrible that the even with Nubain or morphine would not suffice. Sometimes early in the morning my brother would ask for the pain killer but the pain killer can only be administered when it is really necessary. My mother will pretend that she administered the pain reliever just to make my brother feel comfortable. Pretend- as in act out that she was injecting something in to the I.V. tube. It made him sleep well. That was placebo effect and very effective at that moment.

Placebo effect is important in cases like cancer. There are many instances that placebo makes the difference, sometimes even the cure of cancer is a result of placebo. A miracle is close to a placebo effect.

Placebo is a Latin word which means” to walk with the Lord" which was mistakenly translated in to English as “to please". In modern medical practice it has come to refer to medicines without any curative value or medicines "more to please than benefit the patients".

Contemporary medicine practitioner uses the placebo. Just like when a person has a flu or viral colds, an antibiotic is administered when it has really little or no effect at all as a cure.

Placebo is moving towards the new medical science with respect. For example, it has been known now as a self healing process of the body. New doctors are making use of this phenomenon to help in curing the patient. An emphatic interaction helps in advancing the cure of the patients. This is evident in most cancer patients. Remember, the television advertisement on the touch of a mother makes the baby feel comfortable. That again is placebo in action.

There is a thin line to differentiate a miracle or a placebo effect. Both thrive on faith. A little faith and a little hope will make you heal yourself. Also gives you -an outlook brighter than the morning sunshine. That alone makes the patient and the people around the patient smile. To think about tomorrow and to think that everything will be fine. That is so important to someone who is sick and the people who love the patient. Placebo is not just a term that medical professionals need to deal with but part of a human spirit of never giving up.It is the natural instinct that all creatures on earth has to hold.In order to preserve life and to boldly survive and triumph in the troubled world of human existence....

(WAIT FOR THE PART 2 ON PLACEBO)

The 2007 Election

The Election
The New Year is crucial to Philippine politics it will pave way for a new political landscape or just insurance for the Gloria Macapagal Arroyo leadership to stay in the seat of power.

This election will make a difference if most of her allies will be elected in the parliament and the senate. Then she is assured of another round of leadership without the problem of another impeachment. However, if her party or allies can not make the majority in the legislative body. It may mean her leadership is in a very fragile state again.

Gloria has been known to be at the helm of making the election an affair similar to David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear. You will see magic in broad daylight yet you just can not explain how it happened.

New alliances will happen and new enemies will be created. This will be a time for an expensive election. Every inch of every municipality will not be left to chance. Every municipality will be guarded by the administration for any weakness in their politically strategy. The daily changes in the political positioning will be dealt with an immediate remedy.

Remedy as in bringing the magician's gallon hat. To make the rabbit appear out of nowhere or as an alternative to the rabbit is the pigeon. For sure, flying voters will be flown in just like the pigeon.

The magician’s wand is not limited to administration pets. Some opposition in the Philippine politics is so weak that despite their commitment to serve will be unnoticed to the masses. It lacks the appeal and funding. If ever the candidate may resort to vote buying. Some notorious politician regardless of political affiliations only has one goal and that is to win. Certain cheating will have to be done to assure that goal is completed.

This is crucial to the administration. This election will not be left to chance. The opposition will find a tough fight. In terms of funding, what was usually a tradition of business men supporting both the administration and the opposition will provide a limited funding to opposition. Since, this administration have been seen to be useful in bending the laws to support those who helped them in times of crisis and further bend the law to incarcerate the enemies. It is wise to support the administration. The administration may not ask for funding from the private sector but a message was sent in the tradition of Bush war strategy; Shock and all - either you are with us or you are an enemy.

Since businessmen have been getting this message since last year and during the impeachment proceeding. That if this administration is shaken,it retaliates with a more shock and shake the investor's business life attitude.

An election as crucial as this year. Goons or guns are not necessary in this modern time. Somewhere and somehow it will manage to make the necessary action to rectify loose ends to determine victory for the administration. Along the trail, it will manage to cheat.

To picture out this election as an Erap and Gloria election is wrong. This is no longer just a matter of Erap being put back to power but more of sending Gloria out of the Malacanang Palace. Erap is just an incidental character here. It is circumstantial that he is the only leader in the opposition who is identified with masses. At this time, they need the support of the masses. Some of the opposition lacks the charm to win the general electorate.

This election is really to bring down the Arroyo leadership. This is the key message of this election. This election is an imprimatur of people whether they still want Arroyo. This will break or make this cute administration of Gloria Arroyo. The more votes for the opposition, the more it becomes apparent that the public wants the present leadership to leave Malacanang.

Other than that is a twist to build the story to complete the climax. The May election will determine so much about the administration of Arroyo.

Bintang (malay word for star)

Darkness does not come early in Malaysia. Yet when it comes, the stars are shining brightly. Each seems very near and could be annex by a thin line;the same way a map is interconnected. So near yet so far.Though their distance are millions and millions of miles from each other.Look straight it feels like they are like siblings reaching for each other or lovers hugging each one for warmth and love.

My ancestors have travelled far and wide to reach a place they can call home. From my father side, they are spanish painters. Settled in Pandacan, Manila to sell paintings to the fellow espanol. On my mother side, they came from all over. I grew up in a place, where I heard different languages. I heard spanish, english,hookien,mandarin,tagalog, ilonggo and Ilocano.The distinction between them is not obvious as I grow-it is hard to tell which one is mandarin and hookien from tagalog to spanish.It seems all fell in to my ears just like a binary language to a computer.I understand them.

That is home to me. In every words that were uttered was like a perfect fire that makes me feel the warmth in my heart. It was like the line that interconnects the stars in a constellation map. My family are the stars under one roof. Those rough oftentimes sweet mix of tongues connects the stars in my home. That connection makes the fire for us to feel that someone cares. To provide the heat to every cold human body.

Now the distance is further and further. I am now lonely and sad. I can not feel the warmth of home and the intensity of communications. The silk like embrace of a baby cousin or a nephew is what I miss most.I feel like in the middle of a naked singularity-a black hole where stars, light or air are not allowed to survive. That empty space in the galaxy is inside me now.

A firefly would come to the nearest source of light,just like a firefly.As I am right now doing the same thing wanting to crawl out of a quagmire of cold darkness and to the nearest light. Wanting to survive each minute to tell the world there is more of me. There is more I can be but something is stopping me. I am stopping myself because I can not be a source of fire nor a star to myself.My other stars are far from me. My light is not sufficient to make my present house warm nor the languages is sufficient to produce the decibels to make a wave of soundwaves to penetrate my eardrums and my soul.

Never felt this way, It was something new to me. I will survive this chaos inside. I was tough like a gold even before I stepped in to a consciousness of self doubt.Like an old carbon turning in to a diamond, better yet an old silver coming to a shine again. Yup I had my shine but loss it . I can make it again. The shine will be there again.

I made a big difference before. I made an impact before. There is no reason not to make that dent. In the environment where I am revolving, in my own galaxy;I will claim and rule with distinction and honor.

I will create my own galaxy. Then each stars will be close to me. To make my home brighter than what I have now.There is always a new way to create a star.It is always around the corner.I can feel it to be near....a new star is always born and that new star will be near me to help me make the light and warmth needed to continue blazing in to a living life.Let that inspiration come to me once more to be the star to guide me in my journey. To light up the road for me.I will become that new born star for myself and will find another one as I need someone to keep me warm too and for me to keep someone warm also.I will be shining brightly to a make my new audience a witness to a new feat of my capabilities.

The precious moments

It was a moment when all that I cherish were falling in pieces. Nothing seems to lift my spirit. Not even the smile that I make is a laugh out of heart and lungs but of an empty brain,wishing someone and something could be sensitive and real. Real in a sense that what I have at the moment is superficial, I need sincerity from a special person and to be at ease with someone.

Nothing best describe my feeling everytime I see her other than-inspiration. She seems to know what I am feeling. Deep inside I also know what she is feeling but she continue to shroud it as change is difficult to some people.I know what she is thinking in her mind.First, I would like to discuss what she is to me. For some reason,we sometimes do not have to speak our gestures is enough to express.We are at ease with one another.

I would like to nurture what connects us together. Let it grow ,to bring out the best in us. Not only temporary but also in the most days of our inspiring lives. Deep inside in our quiet form, we carry the potential to be sweeter than the sweetest sugar on this planet when expressing our feelings. On how to make the sweetest part of us get together seems to be a burden left on my part. Trying to devise a scheme that will make our lives closer as than before.If you look at a map,you will see lines,connecting each streets to give direction.I will make that lines that will connect me to her. Shortest distance between two points is a line.I shall create one.I have the fire to reach her heart. I am not going to make that fire get extinguish by intimidation from the previous people who also made it difficult for me to cope because they are more of mongers than human beings.

She is sensitive and the sweetest person I met in my lifetime.Her personality seems to draw people nearer to her beauty and I can feel her uncommon kindness. A future with her will not be difficult.

Tick, tack, tick, tack, is my time running out. Trying to remember the music that I used that made me win hearts of women. That scheme is old ,it is for a common woman. This woman is extra-special and she gathered what I really wanted in a girl. I have to approach her in the most conscious way, finding the key to that scheme is an emotionally technical endeavor. A calculated approach,otherwise losing her will be the most frustating part of my life.

This is not just another woman as an object for a rebound but this is the real thing. Every moment is a calculated risk, wearing a perfect loving heart to show her in my most imperfect me. Love is my strongest weapon that directed me to manifest the uniqueness of my friendship and expression.

All that went into my life is a learning moment and right now is the moment that I will prove what I learned in my lifetime ,the value that I will put in everything that I offer with my emotion.

Complicated in a way, difficult in every second but easy if we are in the same direction. All honesty and all sincerity is present. Nothing is small or big everything is important.

Plant needs water,if you leave it. Someone else will water it for you. The plant you never water will not remember you,but it remembers better the one who gave the water everyday. You may have made a familiarity with the plant but it is not that familiarity that nurtured it , it is the everyday of care that makes it grow and the moment when it is cold and lonely that whoever makes it warm it remembers. It remembers the one who put water more than the one who is far yet loving.

This is the time that makes sinking our heart in a quagmire for many valid reasons. We rationalize. We protect. You see-we protect the situation not the people involve in the situation. It is common denial stage of human beings. Out of pride or out of need,fear of change, fear of learning and out of fear in adjusting again. We are an open target of the dictates of societal ego tripping and psychological bonding.We sometimes stick it out,because of what people will say. Psychological bonding, trapped in our world for fear of losing or hurting some.For fear of making a change and adjusting again.What is love,where you can not find it to be near,where is love when you can not feel it. If it can not make you feel that emotion near or a heartbeat away from you or fill in the gap or give warmth on a coldest night and a bridge you can rely on at times of trouble. What purpose does it serve? The reality is that we can not touch what is far from us, what we really want is someone to be there, a touch that will keep us warm and secure. A touch that will pamper us, a touch that will make two beings becoming one...not in distance but up close and personal. I would say,.....I do not want to discuss further. I told her about it already.

I saw my day brigthen and renewed because of that special woman. She likes pink and red,pink is a color of gentleness and red is color of love. A combination perfect to her personality-she is pretty in pink. Always pretty...

She is my inspiration and I adore her more than I have adored someone. Somehow fate works in the most mysterious way. I remember someone doing some reading on me telling at this moment, I will have someone special. I said who is she, the person replied she is brunette.Hell, I do not know anyone with a brunette hair.The american psychic reader said she wants red.Hmmm...the fortune teller was referring to red color and pink. The second reading with another person said the same thing, without saying anything to them.hayy..this my life at the moment in Malaysia....I am far from home. The good thing about life here is her-I found my inspiration. Thank you whoever made me meet her..I can make my life better. I am inspired to do it because of her. I hope I can be there for her all the time.

Maturing One

It think it is inherent to some people to say something negative to almost everyone. One of the traits these people manifest is the ego-centric and self righteous personality. Hidden beneath their being a control or manipulative characters.They always want to think that they know better than others. It was easy for them to judge situations , there is no cure to this kind of personalities. No need to even be serious with their friendships.You just exist with them while they are there,no need to remember them in the future.

I know one of my acquiantances here in my adopted country has that character. The all knowing but judgmental personalities. Her boyish type of personality tried to create a being that is superior but in the end really she has not matured. She find it funny but to some people she is really irritating. That even her closest friend for a long time even told me that this girl always has something to say against someone. At first I do not believe her or say I was reluctant to believe only to find out that she was right. There is no one or any other person good for her point of view. She keeps on judging people without let up. That is why she is sick most of the time. Guess, that is the result of her actions and comments against people. Up to this time, I am not comfortable being with her. Deep inside she is not really a true friend.

I would even find one of her so much dislike former friends to be likeable for being straight forward. She is never a straight forward person. She hides in some cloak that they are friends but actually she has kept some dark side inside. She says a lot to people.

There is still a kid in her. I do not think liking her for long term will be ok. Her concern for you is more of judgmental not sincere concern.I guess it is useless to make her a long term friend.

If she can treat her long term friends that way.How much more to new people she met.She still manage to impose her mentality to weaker friends that she has. For me, I see her as a person who existed while I am in my adopted country. Not as a friend.

She needs to grow up.She needs to mature.

Being of Deception part 2

As we trek, ancient gigantic trees welcomed us. Fog and cold air collided with our skin to give us a chill. A weather like this was perfect for us. Usually, a cloudy day can save a lot of our energy. If this was a sunny day, the heat will eat all our energy. Not this time, thick cumulus clouds were up and hiding the sunlight which was a perfect weather for the climb. The ambiance makes it more memorable because you can go through the fog. Pretending that this was heaven. Despite the fog the visibility was still ok. The smell was so fresh and natural that it felt so good.

The ambiance also gave that horror book feeling. That behind the trees and the cold weather, hidden under the fog is a monster or an enchanted being. They said this mountain is enchanted,but that thought did not scare us. We have trekked this mountain many times. The feeling of being in a natural beauty free from the blemishes of the city life that made us come back here. We came for this feeling and for this environment. Nothing felt so good, for a birthday party, this was definitely cool.

A familiar tree greeted us on our way to the mountain. Huge tree with a trunk bigger than a car, right next to it was an albino tree trunk. A variety up to this time we never bothered to ask what it is called.

We climb with a smile on our face. As if this activity was giving us a high better than sex or getting drunk. In every stop that we made , a punchline was thrown to hit someone's exhausted body for a smile to drive the exhaustion away.

After an hour,we reached the peak. It was raining so hard. There was some thunder and lightning. Funny thing was that the lightning was below us. Ever heard of the effects in a movie about the sound of electricity , that was what we heard. The lightning-well it was below our small campsite. The campsite is as small as a one car parking. On the side of the mountain is an 80 degree drop down to the next town or next province. You choose which province will be able to take care of you when you fall.Of course, by the time you know that, you could be talking to St Peter already. We saw streaking lights moving down the mountain slope, and the sound of the thunder was not the usual rumbling sound.It does not even resemble any bowling pins thumbling down on a good strike throw. It sounded like real live electricity.Imagine we are wet and on top of the clouds.We were wondering if this will electrocute us.With cold and hot air mass convulsing to create lightning just a few meters from the end of the mountain slope and our trail.

Nevertheless, like a true mountain climber all dangers are carefully examined and considered. In the end, just like what we had done before,ignored the different difficulties ahead. Hunger was an immediate and more dangerous situation at that moment. So,we pulled out our fly sheets and made a makeshift shelter. Underneath, we gathered our provisions for lunch. We ate sandwhich,chicken and rice while soaking under a heavy rain,so were the food that we ate.I lighted an incense and a short prayer was led by one of the members of the team. After that we descended to the nearest campsite to spend the night to consume the gin and rhum.

On our waydown, we had a buddy system. Each climber will have a companion, as part of our safety procedure. Except for a middle man,or some call him sniper who spot the members of the team location and guides them. Since, I was the most senior of the climbers though I am second to the youngest,I became the middle man. Rushing from one side to another side to check on them.

I was confident, no one will get lost there was only one trail to follow.Well,till we get to the next apple stop.That part the trail branches out to different destination. Either it could send you trekking for a week or getting to the dangerous part of the mountain.That stop is the place where we can take five and wait for one another.

On a very tight trail,where you make a wrong move will bring you tumbling down the cliff. I heard someone shouting my name. It could be a call for help. I rushed to where the voice was coming.I made the biggest pace in my entire climbing life.When I reached a wider trail the voice stopped. Then I saw a trail leading down on the left side when the usual trail that we take is on the right side. I ascended this mountain many times and never saw this trail. I shouted the name of the friend.I can identify the voice -it was Efren's voice. I shouted his name again. I heard a reply coming from the trail leading down on my left side. As I recall on our way up, there was no trail on this side..it was a quick down fall drop cliff meaning no one can go down without a rope. The inclination is something very hard to manage without a rope.Now,it looks relatively easy.

I was worried because it was my birthday and they were my guest. I have to take care of them, though, I know they are more than capable to take care of their own being a pure outdoor person. Nevertheless, it was my party and my current status as a middle man makes them my responsibility.

to be continued........

(preview: a voice shouted from the left and right -the same voice,heard from two distant places. It was not an echo.The mountain was calling for me. I heard it called my name.....so much is running in my mind..the thought that the being of deception was present...)