Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Bintang (malay word for star)
Darkness does not come early in Malaysia. Yet when it comes, the stars are shining brightly. Each seems very near and could be annex by a thin line;the same way a map is interconnected. So near yet so far.Though their distance are millions and millions of miles from each other.Look straight it feels like they are like siblings reaching for each other or lovers hugging each one for warmth and love.
My ancestors have travelled far and wide to reach a place they can call home. From my father side, they are spanish painters. Settled in Pandacan, Manila to sell paintings to the fellow espanol. On my mother side, they came from all over. I grew up in a place, where I heard different languages. I heard spanish, english,hookien,mandarin,tagalog, ilonggo and Ilocano.The distinction between them is not obvious as I grow-it is hard to tell which one is mandarin and hookien from tagalog to spanish.It seems all fell in to my ears just like a binary language to a computer.I understand them.
That is home to me. In every words that were uttered was like a perfect fire that makes me feel the warmth in my heart. It was like the line that interconnects the stars in a constellation map. My family are the stars under one roof. Those rough oftentimes sweet mix of tongues connects the stars in my home. That connection makes the fire for us to feel that someone cares. To provide the heat to every cold human body.
Now the distance is further and further. I am now lonely and sad. I can not feel the warmth of home and the intensity of communications. The silk like embrace of a baby cousin or a nephew is what I miss most.I feel like in the middle of a naked singularity-a black hole where stars, light or air are not allowed to survive. That empty space in the galaxy is inside me now.
A firefly would come to the nearest source of light,just like a firefly.As I am right now doing the same thing wanting to crawl out of a quagmire of cold darkness and to the nearest light. Wanting to survive each minute to tell the world there is more of me. There is more I can be but something is stopping me. I am stopping myself because I can not be a source of fire nor a star to myself.My other stars are far from me. My light is not sufficient to make my present house warm nor the languages is sufficient to produce the decibels to make a wave of soundwaves to penetrate my eardrums and my soul.
Never felt this way, It was something new to me. I will survive this chaos inside. I was tough like a gold even before I stepped in to a consciousness of self doubt.Like an old carbon turning in to a diamond, better yet an old silver coming to a shine again. Yup I had my shine but loss it . I can make it again. The shine will be there again.
I made a big difference before. I made an impact before. There is no reason not to make that dent. In the environment where I am revolving, in my own galaxy;I will claim and rule with distinction and honor.
I will create my own galaxy. Then each stars will be close to me. To make my home brighter than what I have now.There is always a new way to create a star.It is always around the corner.I can feel it to be near....a new star is always born and that new star will be near me to help me make the light and warmth needed to continue blazing in to a living life.Let that inspiration come to me once more to be the star to guide me in my journey. To light up the road for me.I will become that new born star for myself and will find another one as I need someone to keep me warm too and for me to keep someone warm also.I will be shining brightly to a make my new audience a witness to a new feat of my capabilities.