Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Bintang (malay word for star)

Darkness does not come early in Malaysia. Yet when it comes, the stars are shining brightly. Each seems very near and could be annex by a thin line;the same way a map is interconnected. So near yet so far.Though their distance are millions and millions of miles from each other.Look straight it feels like they are like siblings reaching for each other or lovers hugging each one for warmth and love.

My ancestors have travelled far and wide to reach a place they can call home. From my father side, they are spanish painters. Settled in Pandacan, Manila to sell paintings to the fellow espanol. On my mother side, they came from all over. I grew up in a place, where I heard different languages. I heard spanish, english,hookien,mandarin,tagalog, ilonggo and Ilocano.The distinction between them is not obvious as I grow-it is hard to tell which one is mandarin and hookien from tagalog to spanish.It seems all fell in to my ears just like a binary language to a computer.I understand them.

That is home to me. In every words that were uttered was like a perfect fire that makes me feel the warmth in my heart. It was like the line that interconnects the stars in a constellation map. My family are the stars under one roof. Those rough oftentimes sweet mix of tongues connects the stars in my home. That connection makes the fire for us to feel that someone cares. To provide the heat to every cold human body.

Now the distance is further and further. I am now lonely and sad. I can not feel the warmth of home and the intensity of communications. The silk like embrace of a baby cousin or a nephew is what I miss most.I feel like in the middle of a naked singularity-a black hole where stars, light or air are not allowed to survive. That empty space in the galaxy is inside me now.

A firefly would come to the nearest source of light,just like a firefly.As I am right now doing the same thing wanting to crawl out of a quagmire of cold darkness and to the nearest light. Wanting to survive each minute to tell the world there is more of me. There is more I can be but something is stopping me. I am stopping myself because I can not be a source of fire nor a star to myself.My other stars are far from me. My light is not sufficient to make my present house warm nor the languages is sufficient to produce the decibels to make a wave of soundwaves to penetrate my eardrums and my soul.

Never felt this way, It was something new to me. I will survive this chaos inside. I was tough like a gold even before I stepped in to a consciousness of self doubt.Like an old carbon turning in to a diamond, better yet an old silver coming to a shine again. Yup I had my shine but loss it . I can make it again. The shine will be there again.

I made a big difference before. I made an impact before. There is no reason not to make that dent. In the environment where I am revolving, in my own galaxy;I will claim and rule with distinction and honor.

I will create my own galaxy. Then each stars will be close to me. To make my home brighter than what I have now.There is always a new way to create a star.It is always around the corner.I can feel it to be near....a new star is always born and that new star will be near me to help me make the light and warmth needed to continue blazing in to a living life.Let that inspiration come to me once more to be the star to guide me in my journey. To light up the road for me.I will become that new born star for myself and will find another one as I need someone to keep me warm too and for me to keep someone warm also.I will be shining brightly to a make my new audience a witness to a new feat of my capabilities.

Monday, January 22, 2007

The precious moments

It was a moment when all that I cherish were falling in pieces. Nothing seems to lift my spirit. Not even the smile that I make is a laugh out of heart and lungs but of an empty brain,wishing someone and something could be sensitive and real. Real in a sense that what I have at the moment is superficial, I need sincerity from a special person and to be at ease with someone.

Nothing best describe my feeling everytime I see her other than-inspiration. She seems to know what I am feeling. Deep inside I also know what she is feeling but she continue to shroud it as change is difficult to some people.I know what she is thinking in her mind.First, I would like to discuss what she is to me. For some reason,we sometimes do not have to speak our gestures is enough to express.We are at ease with one another.

I would like to nurture what connects us together. Let it grow ,to bring out the best in us. Not only temporary but also in the most days of our inspiring lives. Deep inside in our quiet form, we carry the potential to be sweeter than the sweetest sugar on this planet when expressing our feelings. On how to make the sweetest part of us get together seems to be a burden left on my part. Trying to devise a scheme that will make our lives closer as than before.If you look at a map,you will see lines,connecting each streets to give direction.I will make that lines that will connect me to her. Shortest distance between two points is a line.I shall create one.I have the fire to reach her heart. I am not going to make that fire get extinguish by intimidation from the previous people who also made it difficult for me to cope because they are more of mongers than human beings.

She is sensitive and the sweetest person I met in my lifetime.Her personality seems to draw people nearer to her beauty and I can feel her uncommon kindness. A future with her will not be difficult.

Tick, tack, tick, tack, is my time running out. Trying to remember the music that I used that made me win hearts of women. That scheme is old ,it is for a common woman. This woman is extra-special and she gathered what I really wanted in a girl. I have to approach her in the most conscious way, finding the key to that scheme is an emotionally technical endeavor. A calculated approach,otherwise losing her will be the most frustating part of my life.

This is not just another woman as an object for a rebound but this is the real thing. Every moment is a calculated risk, wearing a perfect loving heart to show her in my most imperfect me. Love is my strongest weapon that directed me to manifest the uniqueness of my friendship and expression.

All that went into my life is a learning moment and right now is the moment that I will prove what I learned in my lifetime ,the value that I will put in everything that I offer with my emotion.

Complicated in a way, difficult in every second but easy if we are in the same direction. All honesty and all sincerity is present. Nothing is small or big everything is important.

Plant needs water,if you leave it. Someone else will water it for you. The plant you never water will not remember you,but it remembers better the one who gave the water everyday. You may have made a familiarity with the plant but it is not that familiarity that nurtured it , it is the everyday of care that makes it grow and the moment when it is cold and lonely that whoever makes it warm it remembers. It remembers the one who put water more than the one who is far yet loving.

This is the time that makes sinking our heart in a quagmire for many valid reasons. We rationalize. We protect. You see-we protect the situation not the people involve in the situation. It is common denial stage of human beings. Out of pride or out of need,fear of change, fear of learning and out of fear in adjusting again. We are an open target of the dictates of societal ego tripping and psychological bonding.We sometimes stick it out,because of what people will say. Psychological bonding, trapped in our world for fear of losing or hurting some.For fear of making a change and adjusting again.What is love,where you can not find it to be near,where is love when you can not feel it. If it can not make you feel that emotion near or a heartbeat away from you or fill in the gap or give warmth on a coldest night and a bridge you can rely on at times of trouble. What purpose does it serve? The reality is that we can not touch what is far from us, what we really want is someone to be there, a touch that will keep us warm and secure. A touch that will pamper us, a touch that will make two beings becoming one...not in distance but up close and personal. I would say,.....I do not want to discuss further. I told her about it already.

I saw my day brigthen and renewed because of that special woman. She likes pink and red,pink is a color of gentleness and red is color of love. A combination perfect to her personality-she is pretty in pink. Always pretty...

She is my inspiration and I adore her more than I have adored someone. Somehow fate works in the most mysterious way. I remember someone doing some reading on me telling at this moment, I will have someone special. I said who is she, the person replied she is brunette.Hell, I do not know anyone with a brunette hair.The american psychic reader said she wants red.Hmmm...the fortune teller was referring to red color and pink. The second reading with another person said the same thing, without saying anything to them.hayy..this my life at the moment in Malaysia....I am far from home. The good thing about life here is her-I found my inspiration. Thank you whoever made me meet her..I can make my life better. I am inspired to do it because of her. I hope I can be there for her all the time.