Saturday, February 21, 2009


I can not imagine myself being completely aloft from someone whom I have shared so much and loved so much in the past. We are like strangers; two people familiar with our touch, kiss,embrace yet alien to each other's presence at the moment. By gad! I thought it will be easy forgetting about the past and remembering only the good times. Well, I was wrong. Letting go of someone is easy in mind but not in heart.Her scent still lingers in between the breath that I take. In every move that I make, reminds me of her being there all the time.Her voice that could comfort me in the middle of my misery. The caress that is so tight,it penetrates even the soul beneath my flesh. In my existence, she is part of my everyday. Even now that she is far and a past.I can still feel her presence. The pain I felt from her was so terrible that not even my nightmare could equal it. Promises went to oblivion. The love that destroyed me is fueled by the flame that came from my burning heart. A flame so hot that it makes me feel like hell is so close. Why did she do it to me?I know from the beginning that her mind can really fly beyond the boundaries of reality.It has never occurred to me that the flight will be so far;much further than what a mind can conceive. Help is inevitable. Who needs it?Me or her? Who did not follow what we had agreed. Who has so many baggage and fantasies?I think she should see a doctor. Strange! Life is beyond comprehension,destiny is even confusing. How will I know what destiny has scribbled for me?Who will she be?What does it take to know her or even just the initials. For sure, whatever will happen I would not want that someone-who is so familiar yet strange to cross my path again. She makes me feel sorry for loving her so well. Life is really full of strange faces. I remember her name and thought I know her so well but now- I would not want to remember her. I do not know who she is now.It is not worth remembering. In a single flash I learned that it was a mistake -a great one indeed. People make wrong choices. We commit mistakes. If in everything we do, there is a nugget of wisdom that enable us to contemplate on and sink our teeth until we chew some edible slices of life, only then that we emancipate ourselves from the total humiliation of mistake. As a result it becomes the road towards loneliness.We use loneliness as an escape and defense from humiliation and pain. Oh yeah, loneliness. A word in a modern world that is so apparent despite the modern tools that can link us with each other.The absence of two bodies becoming one, not in flesh but in thoughts and in heart. To be able to converse and share an idea and make a covenant of thoughts. Even debate or argue on mundane things.I remember one scientist who dreamed of linking the stars in the same way we link our road and streets in our maps. I wish I could traverse in a single stretch of a straight line ,the road to happiness.Ironically I can not. Not even the purest of the heart that speaks of eternal love would suffice. It takes more...much more than the heart. Even prayers and luck become an important ingredient in looking for that special happiness.You put faith in the new tomorrow and hope that what you wish for in prayers and what you wish to be lucky about will be a reality as soon as possible.Well all of us can dream anytime. The stranger in my life is someone I love. Someone I know but not familiar anymore. Someone I touched but can not hold anymore. She is now a stranger.Just like the faces I see everyday in the streets.Now we are strangers.No more names to put on the face neither a face to put a name on. (I wrote this in the 1994. Using a 386 laptop and using WORDSTAR.I do not know why, I just continually typed. That year I also met this special girl who will hurt me in the future- which is now our present time.Whom I am dedicating this blog to)

Sunday, February 15, 2009

It Comes In Boxes

Boxes are full of surprises. One of the boxes in my life is knowing that the girl who was my best friend for 14 years and my girlfriend for a short while, gave me the biggest box of my life. It was even wrapped in a beautiful white scrub suit, making it a smart looking box. The box is big and heavy. The situation made me excited and wants to open the box.

In the tradition of pandora box, once you open the box. She made the biggest biggest surprise I had in my entire life and that is not knowing her well after all those years of friendships. That surprise is bigger than the box itself and can not be returned to the box because it would not fit anymore. It was so big and will eventually last for my entire lifetime just to imagine the size.

Only a week after she came to the country where I am an expatriate. I called her like the usual time and someone answered the phone. After I heard a voice of a male answered the phone. I was surprised. So, I asked for my girlfriend. The male voice answered and started to speak on the top of his voice telling me that my girlfriend is his girlfriend too. It was like hell opened up and lead Satan to the ground and used my girlfriend's cellphone. The whole situation sounded like a fire breathing dragon shouting and looking for a fight over a mate. It was only very natural for an animal looking for a mate to act in such manner. For a human being, it is not natural and uncivilized. Guess, the aboriginal instinct of this guy got in to him and even told me that I looked like a comedian from my home country and told me I am so ugly. He was really looking for a fight.I did not attend to it because I am a reasonable person and uses more of my breeding than my animal instinct.I just waited for my girlfriend to call me instead. To Be Continued...