Friday, January 02, 2009

E.T. Phone Home

If there was already an iphone during the time the movie -E.T. was made. Probably instead of using a speak and spell toy, an umbrella and strings to communicate with the mothership;E.T. would have use the iphone.

Yes, the modern world kept us in touch any time of the day. Whether thru reading the modern personal telegram called sms, thru internet or the modern day cordless telephone with expanded range called cellphone.

If E.T. in the movie was so eager to contact the mothership, my girlfriend who has some explaining to do to me; did not even initiate to talk to me.Ok. Better to put it in another scenario, like I am E.T., since someone who adored her (yes-later for more details ok!) once called me ugly and toothless. So, making me an alien would not hurt, it will be better in a way to best describe me. Then my girlfriend will be the mothership. Just simply because of her size. The scenario will be that I am E.T. calling the mothership endlessly without any confirmation that they are getting my messages. Until I lost hope and eventually kisses death at my face. I got sick and turned pale and almost die in the middle of the forest. While writing this scenario. I slowed down a little. I suddenly realize, that is exactly how I feel. I feel hopeless and thought of killing myself. Jumping from the building or from one of the building facades.Guess I am like E.T. and she is the mothership. Not talking to me or giving me a hint of her plans.

What was nice about the movie E.T. was the part of being rescued. The mothership came to E.T.'s rescue at the right moment. I am not really sure at this moment, if it is me who will be rescued or her. At the moment the only thing I am aware is that I am that dying part of the movie E.T., who will eventually die temporarily. Dying temporarily and to be resurrected later. Yes, right now I am almost dead with emotions and even wishing to completely die to emancipate myself from paying a loan that I did not use and most of all the shame that she brought to me before the eyes of my family and friends. I am writing this blog to tell my horrible experience. Keeping it within is like a big volcano that will have a tragic eruption. I am doing this to heal myself and hopefully be connected to other people who like me- is also suffering from depression.
At the moment, I only take sleeping pills to give the rest that I need. Without I can not sleep and a nightmare will haunt me. I will talk about my best friend and who eventually became my girlfriend; who cheated on me and gave me a miserable life. It was not the break up that troubled me. It was how it ended. I am ok to be separated from her. It was not my first relationship to end. The whole idea that we have been friends for so long and we have prepared everything like we are your couple on the way to the aisle of a church and with kids to think about and growing old together.
Somehow, I should have listened to our old friends about her personality and also made use of my better judgment of her personality. It is really difficult to think of what had happened. It was messy.She put me in to a situation that is synomous to her current state. Lonely and desperate but what makes us different is that she is mentally unstable. Doc Jane M. is really not what people think of her. She is more unstable than a fever virus. Almost like a Malaysian weather that in one minute it is so sunny and a few hours later there will be a heavy downpour. She has that unpredictable mental state I really wonder why anyone ever go to her for medical consultation.
I want to make clear this is not a blog to have revenge. This is my way to resolve that inner war I am having inside. To be able to continue as normal as possible. To let go of the feeling of ending my life and being so despotent.
I need to revive my life to a new hope.

Dear Oprah

I was inspired by an episode in Oprah that made me write this blog. The episode was about a young lady who in her teens wrote a letter to Oprah but did not get the chance to send it. Instead this young girl put music in her letter and sang it in a subway.

It was not the music that inspired me but her story of persistence and without giving up on hope. Although the music was good and even the lyrics, but it was the story of the singer that made the music even richer than it sounds.

I saw the episode on the night that will be the last day I will ever feel normal.The next day I received an email from my cousin. My cousin is asking me to call her up and it was very important. I thought, it was some emergency at home. My heart then was beating so fast and immediately called my mother. Then she told me that our loan, which my girlfriend and I took a few months ago remains to be unpaid; after a few months when the loan was taken. I was surprised because I was sending my share and a few days before that I just sent her the whole payment for that month. My mommy calmed me down told me that my girlfriend may have an important reason for not paying on time. What made it even worse; my good girlfriend never told me about the delay and also she was leaving for the United States that time.

It was on a thursday. I tried to call her thru her handphone as always when she does not need anything; calling her cellphone is like dialling Santa Claus' phone. It was like an imaginary phone line.When she needed something from you, it was like hot and ready like a Batcave's private line.Ready to roll and be answered in single ring. Even the time when my mother needed an advise on medicine; my girlfriend being a doctor was suppose to be ready to answer phone calls and specially from an almost in-law. As expected- it was unanswered, come to think of it. What if there was an emergency and needed her approval for one of her patients. Guess, the patient would have died waiting for her medical instructions.

She cheated me once and she did it again. This time it reconfirms my gut feeling about her insincerity. Bad part of it was that she included my family in the mess. Now, the bank will sue me and my family who are co-signatories but she is left without any accountabilities.
Update March 21,2009
I lost my touch on my writing skills as my emotions took the better part of me as a writer. Now, I am re-editing my blog and put some order. As I am beginning to see the benefits of blogging to win against depression. I am beginning to see order also where I should have them. I am blogging again.