Yes, the modern world kept us in touch any time of the day. Whether thru reading the modern personal telegram called sms, thru internet or the modern day cordless telephone with expanded range called cellphone.
If E.T. in the movie was so eager to contact the mothership, my girlfriend who has some explaining to do to me; did not even initiate to talk to me.Ok. Better to put it in another scenario, like I am E.T., since someone who adored her (yes-later for more details ok!) once called me ugly and toothless. So, making me an alien would not hurt, it will be better in a way to best describe me. Then my girlfriend will be the mothership. Just simply because of her size. The scenario will be that I am E.T. calling the mothership endlessly without any confirmation that they are getting my messages. Until I lost hope and eventually kisses death at my face. I got sick and turned pale and almost die in the middle of the forest. While writing this scenario. I slowed down a little. I suddenly realize, that is exactly how I feel. I feel hopeless and thought of killing myself. Jumping from the building or from one of the building facades.Guess I am like E.T. and she is the mothership. Not talking to me or giving me a hint of her plans.
What was nice about the movie E.T. was the part of being rescued. The mothership came to E.T.'s rescue at the right moment. I am not really sure at this moment, if it is me who will be rescued or her. At the moment the only thing I am aware is that I am that dying part of the movie E.T., who will eventually die temporarily. Dying temporarily and to be resurrected later. Yes, right now I am almost dead with emotions and even wishing to completely die to emancipate myself from paying a loan that I did not use and most of all the shame that she brought to me before the eyes of my family and friends. I am writing this blog to tell my horrible experience. Keeping it within is like a big volcano that will have a tragic eruption. I am doing this to heal myself and hopefully be connected to other people who like me- is also suffering from depression.
At the moment, I only take sleeping pills to give the rest that I need. Without I can not sleep and a nightmare will haunt me. I will talk about my best friend and who eventually became my girlfriend; who cheated on me and gave me a miserable life. It was not the break up that troubled me. It was how it ended. I am ok to be separated from her. It was not my first relationship to end. The whole idea that we have been friends for so long and we have prepared everything like we are your couple on the way to the aisle of a church and with kids to think about and growing old together.
Somehow, I should have listened to our old friends about her personality and also made use of my better judgment of her personality. It is really difficult to think of what had happened. It was messy.She put me in to a situation that is synomous to her current state. Lonely and desperate but what makes us different is that she is mentally unstable. Doc Jane M. is really not what people think of her. She is more unstable than a fever virus. Almost like a Malaysian weather that in one minute it is so sunny and a few hours later there will be a heavy downpour. She has that unpredictable mental state I really wonder why anyone ever go to her for medical consultation.
I want to make clear this is not a blog to have revenge. This is my way to resolve that inner war I am having inside. To be able to continue as normal as possible. To let go of the feeling of ending my life and being so despotent.
I need to revive my life to a new hope.